[https://usefulfictions.substack.com/p/the-seam-through-the-center-of-things]

I most definitely did not believe in God prior to that moment. I was, moreover, a humanist in the Kurt Vonnegut sense: I always thought that it should not matter if God existed, that you should strive to be good regardless of whether there was someone there to judge you for it and mete out rewards or punishment. So it was much to my chagrin that I shortly came to realize that it did, in fact, matter very much that God existed.